flesh and blood disintegrate
by TViator
Summary: When they think about Lima, it's not with laughter and happiness. They think about the tragic downfall of a girl that haunts the memory of Lima and the missing people during the most glorious day of their lives. And wonder how any of them could have changed the outcome.


flesh and blood disintegrate

au, ignores some of canon s3. quinn-centric but hints at faberry. also fabang, pezberry and quinntana friendship vaguely thrown in. warning for some violence. had this written for awhile and only just got around to finishing it.

I. _past empty lots and early graves, those like you who lost their way._

The force of the steel bat meeting the back of Jesse's head sends a tremble up her arms but she's strong, it doesn't stop her from pulling back once again, preparing for a second swing. Quinn is determined to ensure he's at least unconcious, if not dead before he can retaliate against her. She knows she holds a sparse advantage with the element of surprise. If he had been aware that she was coming, the fight he would have put up might have been enough to stop her and end everything before it even began.

Quinn watches as the first blow sends him to his knees, half crumpled over and clutching at his head desperately. Jesse is completely disoriented, letting loose a string of whimpers and pathetic moans. Her smile is completely victorious. The second swing is misplaced though, and hits awkwardly but sends the boy careening over the edge of the stairs.

She winces at the thumps his body makes as it tumbles down the stairs and meets his eventual end at the bottom. Not exactly according to plan but, well, Quinn didn't come here with much of a plan to begin with.

Now that she has Jesse unconcious at least, since he's stopped making noise since he reached the bottom, Quinn isn't sure what to do – not exactly at least. She understands that the body must disappear before someone else stumbles upon them but the whole process of actually _making _the body disappear? Well, Quinn's beginning to realize that maybe she should have planned this just a little bit better.

Taking the steps two at a time, she reaches the bottom quickly and almost touches Jesse to search for a pulse before she recoils sharply. Information about police procedure came from watching shows on TV and they have taught her something. Never leave forensic evidence behind.

Luckily, she remembered to pack some gloves earlier and quickly dons them before reaching once again to check for a pulse.

There isn't a beat underneath her finger tips but she isn't sure so she checks his wrist too.

_Silence_.

Quinn allows herself to breath a sigh of relief, allows another small smile before she remembers that she needs to somehow get his body out of the auditorium and holy crap she is _not _prepared for this at all. How the hell is she suppose to lug his body –

The doors to the auditorium rattle slightly and she stiffens, not even daring to breathe even though logically, she knows whoever is behind the doors can't hear her. The doors don't open immediately but Quinn is scared now and there's adrenaline pumping through her veins and a rhythmic beat in her ears. Before she's even aware of what she's doing, Quinn is scampering out of the room through another exit.

Fuck the body, someone else can deal with that. She just needs to get out of here like _yesterday_.

Walking briskly through the parking lot, Quinn tries to calm her frantic heartbeat but she just can't. All she can think about is the sickening crunch of her bat making impact with Jesse's skull and the flecks of blood that sprayed everywhere. The ramifications of what just happened are staggering.

She murdered Jesse St. James in cold blood.

Distantly, Quinn knows that she feels a panic attack coming but she needs to make it to her car. Her car is safe, the get away vehicle and maybe once she's speeding away from here and heading back to home, she'll be calm again.

"Almost there," Quinn breathes out just as her hand grasps onto the cool handle of her door and she jerks it open, stumbling into her car and throwing the bat she's miraculously kept ahold of into the back.

She sits there for several moments, hands gripping the steering tightly and head resting against the surface. Inhaling and exhaling is what keeps her there, focused and calming Quinn's raging heart and allowing her just a moment of clarity.

Figuring she's as good as it's going to get, she starts the car and drives off. Quinn doesn't stop till she reaches home. Once inside, she feels safer, but not totally.

Quinn is extra careful about not touching anything, detouring through the kitchen to grab a small garbage bag on her way up to the bathroom where she sheds her clothing and places them neatly in the bag. Splatters of blood that she didn't notice before decorate her skin and for some reason, _that's _what sends her fumbling desperately for the toilet bowl as the contents of her stomach come up.

She _knew _Jesse. Sure, he had egged Rachel but –

Resting her head against the cool surface of the toilet, Quinn clenches her eyes shut, praying for this all to be a dream but some part of her already knows. This isn't a dream, she won't wake up in bed, safe and sound.

Calmly breathing in and out saves her sanity, for now at least. Eventually, Quinn manages to find that persistent strength of hers to stand up and walk into the shower, shrubbing hard at her skin where she imagines the blood to be. Staining her skin, marking her as a _murderer_.

The water feels like it's scalding her alive but she's alive, she got away – no one will ever know.

_No one will ever know. _

Repeating this mantra over and over again helps Quinn slightly.

Once Quinn is certain that she's positively scrubbed her skin raw and the water is running cold, she exits the shower, draping a towel around herself. Her vision isn't clouded in red anymore with imaginary blood, so that's one thing. Anxiously, she redresses in her room, making a mental note to get rid of the clothing in the bag later but for now, she turns on the tv.

If there is any news, even just a hint of a dead body, the local channels would be bombarded with warnings and information. And she's allowed a quiet moment of relief that there is nothing. No news. The body she left there to rot instead of disposing of has, for now, not been found. That's good. The constantly nervous feeling in her body disappears, temporarily. She can rest easy for now.

A false sense of security because Quinn knows when the sun rises and the janitorial staff at Carmel High find the body, the police and just about everyone under the sun will be flooding that school demanding answers.

The next day when they do find the body, everybody is shocked. Nobody believes that Jesse accidentally fell to his death, after all the bashed in head tells a pretty gruesome story. Strangers who didn't even know him all flock in for their fifteen seconds of fame as people at Carmel High are interviewed about Jesse St. James.

The buzz reaches McKinley as well, whispers in the hallways and reserved glances in Glee Club because well, they had all known Jesse. First through Rachel and then later when he became their mentor last year.

Mr. Schuester suggests they all attend the candle light memorial for him and although Quinn is resistant to that idea, she doesn't voice her opinion, allowing the group to decide that they would.

None of this matters because after realizing he had been found, she was only listening for one thing to hold onto in this moment of chaos: _There have been no leads_.

Quinn got away, for today, if nothing else.

II. _my body doused in ash, when the darkness fades to black. _

The weeks past, quietly. Quinn is vigilant in keeping track of all news sources, making sure that the leads on the Jesse St. James case were non-existant. The police force in Lima is laughable at best, but she knows that the minute she lets down her cautious act is the moment she gets caught.

Quinn is really not ready to be caught. In fact, the blonde spends a lot of time thinking about the incident, replaying every moment over and over again. Thinking about how she could have gone about it differently or the weight of the bat in her hands, cold to her touch. She remembers the noises Jesse made the first time, and each sickening crunch as he tumbled down the stairs.

Really, she tries not to think about it but...

Convincing Jacob Ben Israel to come on a picnic with her is beyond easy. The outcast is eager to spend time in Quinn's presence, even if she is no longer the popular Head Cheerio. He doesn't even question her at all when she tells him to meet her in the heart of a secluded area surrounded by trees and far away from other people.

Jesse St. James is the one Quinn wasn't ready for but Jacob is the first premeditated attack. The memories of her first attack conjure up something in Quinn that she can't quite place the words to but she wants to feel that again.

Besides, it's not like anyone would notice Jacob missing, which is harsh and untrue but he's and outcast and not that many people would care for him. Not to mention Quinn has a few petty revenges against him as well. This made him the perfect target.

She plots meticulously, refusing to have a repeat of Jesse, where she was almost caught before it even began. Approaching Jacob is the easy part, the set up is the hardest. The date is over a week away but Quinn doesn't allow herself to slack, coming out after school every day to the spot to prepare.

On the day of, Quinn is there way ahead of time, lugging a basket with her since she abandoned her car awhile back. The picnic basket actually does contain food, in case he checks, but underneath all of it is a bottle of chloroform, some tape, a lighter, and a hatchet.

Once she reaches the spot, Quinn pushes her hand underneath the food and past the cloroform, hefting the hatchet in hand for a second. She enjoys the feel of its sturdy grip in her hand, the weight of it – slightly heavy, but nothing she couldn't handle. Allowing herself just a few more seconds to enjoy it and the thrill of being _so _close to her goal, she sets about with the finishing touches.

For hours throughout the week, Quinn has been chopping the branches off a dead tree and piling them in a circle against the trunk. A small bundle of rope is lying nearby. She knows, this is a dangerous move because the way she's going to go about it is easily sighted and could bring the authories down on her in no time. Too bad there isn't exactly time to change the plan now.

Stowing away the hatchet in a pile of grass near the tree, Quinn picks up the basket filled with items and retraces her steps back to the meeting spot. She's not surprised to see Jacob there already, earlier then her and the smile she plasters onto her face is entirely fake.

But she's always been really good at playing pretend, her father made sure of that.

"Quinn!" Jacob calls out in a delighted voice, there's a hint of nervousness underneath that that Quinn easily detects but she's not sure what's putting him on edge. "I thought for sure that this was just all a dream."

"Hi Jacob," she acknowledges in response, stopping to pull out the blanket and place it on the grass before she sits down. "I'm glad you could come."

"Of course, as if I could refuse an offer from you."

"Are you hungry?" Quinn asks, trying not to shiver. His eyes are on her and the obvious leering and objectifying of her body is getting to her. Jacob isn't being subtle at all.

"A little," he admits.

She hands him a sandwich wordlessly before grabbing another for herself, nibbling delicately while watching him devour his. Quinn's trying to be patient, she really is, because even if she knocks him out now, she can't start the fun till it's dark but there's something about him that makes her skin crawl and –

Before she knows what she's doing, Quinn is reaching for the chloroform, body leaning over the basket and in his line of sight to distract him from what she's doing. The liquid is poured onto one the napkins in the basket and she spins around suddenly, startling him enough that she's already beside him, pressing the paper over his mouth and nose.

Not exactly the way she imagined knocking Jacob out but it will do. With care, she begins to pack away everything she pull out, except the blanket which she uses to help her drag Jacob back to the dead tree from earlier. There she props him up against the trunk, wrapping the rope tightly around his body to keep it there before placing the other bits of wood around him. The napkin of chloroform is kept pressed over his face with some tape.

Quinn checks her phone. She's got several hours to kill before she can get the show started but she obviously can't just leave Jacob here, tied up and alone so with a sigh, Quinn settles down a few metres away.

She thinks about how much Jacob would suffer from this, like he made her suffer when he told Sue in sophomore year about the pregnancy. Quinn thinks of this as payback for that, along with all the creepy stalking and worshipping he did to Rachel. Still, she has several hours to spare and ends up playing _Angry Birds _till the sun sets and it's really dark.

When night comes, the fun begins.

Quinn removes the napkin that has been wrapped around Jacob's face because she wants him to wake up soon and although she wants the hear the pathetic noises he makes, she understands that noise isn't something she wants and ends up stuffing a ripped piece of the checkered blanket into his mouth as a gag, throwing the rest of the blanket above the bunch of branches.

The flame on the lighter flickers at first but stays strong as she lowers it to the blanket, cultivating the flame and allowing it to grow stronger, spreading to the wood eventually. She has extra wood on the side, in case she needs more to burn Jacob to an extra crisp but once Quinn is certain that the fire will live, she backs away several metres and watches the scene unfold.

Jacob does not wake up for awhile and at first, Quinn thinks he never will again but slowly, he stirs to life. Eyes bolt open with fright, immediately trying to cry out before realizing he can't. Then he begins to notice the deadly heat near his skin and tries to skirt away, hopelessly trying to escape the ropes that bound him to the tree.

Eventually, Jacob sees her.

His eyes plead for her to help her but Quinn stares stoically back and watches as he burns and burns and burns into nothing. Late into the night, she sits there uneasily because she's not certain if anybody has noticed the smoke but she stays and watches. Periodically, Quinn dumps more wood into the fire, along with the basket and continues watching till Jacob is nothing more then a burnt body of bones.

The nightmares keep her up for weeks.

III. _so let the memories be good for those who stayed._

Lying in her hospital bed, Quinn thinks bitterly that this is karma coming to get her. This is God's retribution for her actions, God's warnings that she better stop the shit she's doing or there's going to be something worse in store for her.

The thing is, Quinn doesn't want to stop, nor does she know how to not crave the adrenaline that comes with a kill. The druggish rush that comes with a sure sense of satisfaction and something else. At least there is justification behind her kills, all of it isn't just meaningless slaughter to her. Warped reasons, but reasons all the same.

Quinn already knows her final goal, she cannot stop now. There's only one more person for her deadly touch to reach.

But some part of her thinks that one more will turn into two, and three, and four and more and more and –

"Quinn?" someone says hesistantly from the side.

She stiffens, so use to being left alone in the hospital that Quinn is surprised by the presence of someone other than the entourage of nurses and doctors that swing by regularly to make sure Quinn is still breathing.

"What are you doing here?" Quinn snaps more harshly than she means too and she winces, almost, when she sees the hurt in Rachel's eyes.

She can see the guilt in those dark depths, the blame that Rachel willingly puts on herself. In a way, a part of it _is _Rachel's fault except not the car crash even though Rachel was the one texting her right before the trunk crashed into her car. It hurts, to see the guilt, fear, hurt and worry in those eyes and there is an ache in her chest not at all from the crash.

Because Quinn has this insatiable need to protect Rachel, even if Rachel can't see the menace around her. Even if she doesn't know that _Quinn _is the threat.

In a way, Quinn sees herself as the twisted knight that watches from the shadows to ensure that none of that darkness ever falls on the bright star that is Rachel. Rachel is the light that illuminates the gloom.

"I, I wanted to see you," Rachel says quietly. Her voice draws Quinn away from darker thoughts. "I'm sorry – I can go if you want me too."

Quinn sighs and closes her eyes but ultimately shakes her head, just as Rachel reaches the door. "No, stay."

Even with that reassurance, Rachel approaches slowly, as if Quinn is a cat that could be scared away. Quinn couldn't run away right now if she wanted.

"How are you doing?" Rachel looks so uncertain and out of depth that Quinn almost smiles. Almost.

"I've seen better days," she responds noncommittedly.

Rachel nods and looks like she's about two point one seconds away from a breakdown and that strange ache in her chest is back again. Her fingers grasp for the button before she even realizes, calling for a nurse and suddenly she's convinced she can't breathe around this ache and Rachel is staring at her with wide panicked eyes as she gasps for air.

Rachel's eyes are brown and scared and Quinn holds onto that. Brown eyes and scared – like Bambi. Like Bambi, who was shot between the eyes in the end.

A doctor and a few nurses come swarming in, one of them ushering Rachel out of the room and into the hallway to allow them more room to work. Even with her out of the room, Quinn can see her through the window.

Shot between the eyes.

Rachel doesn't come back to visit while she's in the hospital.

It's several weeks till she's even allowed to go back home, where Judy has made several adjustments to the house. Quinn sleeps in the guest room on the main floor since it's more reachable then her bedroom, up stairs she's not ever sure she'll be able to walk up anymore.

Most days Quinn is able to con herself into believing that her newfound disability is okay, that she is fine with having her dreams of cheerleading, of dancing and just plain walking gone in a blink of an eye. But most nights she wakes up shaking, her back aching and just the barest hint of tears carressing her face.

She was awake when they pulled her out of the crash and the nightmares recall every single horrible part. The panic, the fear and vulnerability.

Quinn just feels so _useless _now. Her room is too hot and she ends up kicking off the blankets but that still isn't enough and yet, she knows it has to be because the few metres she has to walk to get to the window are just too much for her.

And then there's Rachel when she gets back to school. Everyone is shooting her concerned looks but there's something about Rachel's that gets to her. Rachel believes the accident is all her fault since Quinn was answering a text rushing her to drive faster. Rachel is under the impression that the destruction of Quinn's livelihood is all her fault.

Quinn tries to endure the looks but it's not even a week since she's been back to school that she asks Rachel to talk with her (she'd drag Rachel into a classroom but that's not a feat she's really capable of anymore).

"I don't blame you," are the first words out of her mouth the minute the classroom door is closed and the quiet hum of the lights flickering on fill the room. "I was checking my phone, it's my fault."

"But Quinn -"

She shakes her head. "Really, Rachel. I don't blame you. I'm not saying this just to make you feel better."

Already, Rachel is on the verge of tears like she's constantly been for the past few weeks. Rachel collapses into her arms and she has no choice but to hold her there, tightly, savoring the feel because she knows it's one of those rare chances.

"I'm so, so sorry, Quinn," Rachel mumbles out against Quinn's shoulder, along with other meaningless words.

Quinn's grip just tightens, breathing in a scent that is all Rachel.

And she savors.

IV. _dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you sleep._

Originally, Quinn has no intentions of bringing Joe into this. As far as guys go, he _is_ really nice and sweet. After all, he spends a lot of time with her just rolling her around and going to physical therapy with her. He's the person that saw her take her first step and encouraged her each step of the way.

Except, there was always that one awkward moment that made her feel uncomfortable and _violated_.

She has no intentions but sometimes her body acts without her permission. It's quick and easy, mostly because Quinn can't help but not want Joe to suffer. They're lying in bed, with Quinn ontop and they're kissing slowly, languidly. Joe wants to go further, she knows, but is too much of a gentlemen to ever push her for it and after awhile they just end up cuddling.

Quinn waits till Joe seems to be drifting off into a nap when she grabs the pillow she's lying on and places it over his mouth, straddling his body to try and prevent a struggle when he wakes up from the lack of air.

The movement stops after a few minutes.

Her noise crinkles slightly because although she can walk now, a bit unsteadily, Quinn doesn't think she's capable of getting rid of Joe's body. Her doctor did tell her that heavy lifting was bad for her back.

It takes her awhile to even leave with the body but she's determined.

V. _you are one of god's mistakes. a song to say goodbye before our innocence is lost._

Where Quinn begins with loose plans, she finishes with solid conviction. Finn, the golden boy, the one who will end up tearing dreams away from Rachel Berry. She thinks about how right this is because Finn Hudson will not take Broadway and New York away, Quinn won't let him.

Quinn waits till she's stronger, able to walk more certainly before she dares to do anything because Finn is much taller and stronger than her. She probably won't have the element of surprise with her and she doesn't want anybody to find Finn.

She works hard to make sure her legs regain use of the muscles there after sitting in a wheelchair for so long. Pushing herself harder than she probably should.

The days pass quickly and nationals loom over them along with graduation and saying goodbye. The end of school arrives faster and faster and forces her hand. She's running out of time and decides that it's time to make things happen. Convincing Finn to meet her early in the morning is easy with a little bit of guilt tripping and she arrives even earlier then she tells Finn too. Instructed to meet her by the dumpsters, it's sort of easy to sneak up on him and have the cloth with chloroform knock him out before he even notices.

Lugging his body is difficult but she parked close and after half dragging, half lifting him, Quinn manages to get him into the trunk of her car and they're off.

Quinn drives for about an hour to reach Saint Mary's State Park. This isn't really something she wants to do out in broad daylight but she can't keep Finn locked up in her trunk for the whole day. She tries to get as close as she can before she has to get out of the car again.

She takes two trips, one to bring the ropes and weights, the second for Finn's body. Hidden in a group of trees, she methodically ties the weights onto Finn, ensuring that they wouldn't come loose before Quinn is back to dragging his body around.

At first, Quinn pushes him in the water tentatively hoping that the water would sweep him away but it's too calm. Slowly but surely, she makes her way underwater too as she moves him farther and farther into the lake.

There's one small moment when Quinn thinks Finn will drown her with him when he wakes up and she's in the middle of trying to push his body farther out. Finn scrambles against her and she almost goes under but viciously kicks away, probably hitting something that really hurt since Finn lets go of her and she swims away as quickly as possible.

Quinn watches the body sink before she goes back to the shore completely, shivering slightly in her wet clothing. She definitely didn't bring any spare clothing so she ends up stopping at home to change before going back to school, relieved she's only missed half the day at least.

At Glee Club she ignores Rachel's constant questions about Finn's whereabouts.

She's sure she looks incriminating somehow and she can't quite forget the desperate look on Finn's face or the way she was so close to being a body under the sea too.

Quinn doesn't spend time worrying about whether the next kill will be her last one (because she will be caught or she will die in the process, Finn's brought those thoughts to the forefront of her mind) but because there is no other target. Finn is the grand finale, her curtain call and swan song.

She's done and for that she is grateful. Quinn knows that just because she's finished doesn't mean she's out of the clear, the police are still investigating the disappearances.

(Also there's a small part of her that's already planning the next one even though she promises herself to stop.)

VI. _and i'm losing blood, i'm gonna leave my bones. _

One day she wakes up to a loud pounding on the door and she _knows_. The pounding stops and not long after, Judy is knocking on Quinn's bedroom door.

"Quinnie? The police want to talk to you."

She goes willingly.

Quinn realizes quickly after a short interrogation that the police doesn't have much on her, just a few inklings and suspicions and definitely not enough to charge her with anything. Ignoring their constant badgering is easy with silence as her best friend. She figures they're breaking a few laws here, keeping her locked up over night but in the morning they throw her back into the interrogation room and she waits.

She doesn't expect to be met with Rachel.

Quinn's heart aches for the girl who looks like she's been constantly crying ever since Finn's disappearance and she instinctively knows, just as she knew the morning the police came for her. Just as she has known all along.

When Rachel leaves and the police come back, Quinn reveals everything, spilling her guts faster then they could ask questions. Everything except _why_ but still, it's enough.

She officially signs her death for one Rachel Barbra Berry.

A few days later, Quinn is moved from the Lima jail cell to a larger prison in the state. There she spends a lot of time counting the time till her final meal. The police offer her a last request and she uses it to write two letters. One to Santana Lopez and another to Rachel Berry.

Quinn isn't hopeful about a lot of things, but on the day when she is scheduled for her death sentence, she can't help but hold onto the silver lining that she might see Rachel one last time. In the viewing room outside she sees Judy, along with Santana and a few other people she doesn't know.

Rachel isn't there.

Santana has a scowl on her face, eyes glaring at Quinn but the blonde ignores that, mouthing a few words instead.

_Tell her I love her_.

Santana's glare lessens, softening with the tears in her eyes because this is Quinn Fabray. The girl she grew up with, grew apart from, and spent countless hours in cheerleading camps with. They endured Sue's special brand of torture every morning and afternoon. They were – are the Unholy Trinity. Except now, they'll be down one member, forever.

She inclines her slightly in acknowledgement and Quinn smiles in response as she feels them strapping her down. Not that she has anywhere to go. A sharp prick of pain occurs as they attach the tube to her body.

Quinn waits, like she's been waiting for awhile, for the utter bliss and unknown of the nothingness that is dead. Slowly exhaustion sweeps over her eyes and they slip close further and further.

Right before her eyes close, Rachel appears.

Rachel huddles near Santana and Judy and the three of them watch as the even rise and fall of Quinn's chest stops. Santana has her arm wrapped around Rachel and Judy has one wrapped around Santana. The three of them hold onto each other as they announce that Quinn is dead.

VII. _on our darkest day, when we're miles away – sun will come, we will find our way home._

Rachel, surprisingly, willingly gives up Valedictorian to Mike. She knows Mike will do them justice and she also knows that if she went up there, she wouldn't be able to speak properly.

Mike stands at the podium and stares at the wave of red gowns, the wave of graduates and friends that he would say goodbye to in two short months. And then, he stares at the prewritten speech he has, with false words and beliefs. A speech preapproved before everything came to a close.

And he just speaks, eyes searching out for Rachel in the crowd as he does, "This isn't the end – for any of us, merely a closure of one chapter of our lives in order to open up the next. We have perservered and we will continue to do so in the future, surviving the trials we are given."

He thinks about Quinn. The quiet girl who read books in the back of Glee, who played video games with him (and was really awesome at it) and the girl he thought for one summer he was in love with.

Mike thinks about how he could have saved her from his fate, stopped her before she took the first life and how much he misses her and Finn.

"And although a few of us are missing, we will stand strong because we are survivors. Congratulations graduating class of 2012, we've made it."

And he thinks about how he wishes all of them made it.


End file.
